Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
