Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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