I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
