What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize