last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
