im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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