John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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