I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
