If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize