He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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