Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
