I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I did not marry a roomba.
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