How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
