Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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