I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
