Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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