i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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