Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
