i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
