my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
