What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
