You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
