Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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