We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
