you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
