I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
