When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just cropdusted the office
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
