he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
