I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
