My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
