im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
