my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
