its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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