the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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