i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
