I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
