he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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