Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
