What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
