Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
