Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
