and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
