How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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