and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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