We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
