She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize