He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize