The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
