someone threw a dead crab at me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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