If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
