get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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