M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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