I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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