Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I looked at my own cervix.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
